Gotta love marriage

Children Always Stress a Marriage

2010-08-24T12:02:00.000-07:00

There is nothing in this world more joyous than the arrival of that beautiful bundle of joy, the baby, which will bless your life forever and ever. Well, that’s the Hollywood version of the story. But in reality, children always stress the marriage. Not that we don’t love our children or love the idea of making the family complete by the addition of one or more of these beautiful, small humans. But the fact remains, kids always stress the marriage.

We don’t want to keep you from having children. But we want you to have your eyes open to what will happen to the marriage as children enter the picture, and to constantly work at making your marriage stronger every year. Consider the following points:

Children mark the end of the honeymoon. Marriage is wonderful, exciting, and passionate in the early stages. Everything that happens is just another way for a couple to celebrate. As children enter, the couple must take energies away from making the marriage wonderful to spend on the child’s well-being. And if a couple is not aware of this natural phenomenon, they may begin to doubt their mate’s desire to make the marriage strong. Well, it’s just that kids take a lot of time and energy.

Children will not save a failing marriage. I have heard it. You have heard it. A young couple in trouble, not knowing how to repair the problems that have invaded. One will say, “We’re having problems but we think that if we have a baby it will bring us closer together.” Don’t believe it!

Children want to live in the same “Selfish World” into which they were born. Think about it. Babies are born totally vulnerable, totally unable to take care of their own needs. So they selfishly cry whenever they feel they need something. This “Selfish World” for the infants is kind of cute. But as kids grow they want to retain the lifestyle that worked for them when they wore diapers. This increases the stress on the marriage as the husband and wife try to deal with a selfish being that now has the capability to reason.

Teenagers want to live in “Selfish World” too. If you have several little ones that have not yet arrived at those teen years, understand that when they do all hell will break loose. Those cute little kids will become small adults with attitudes. They will believe that you, the parents that took care of their every need for the first 12 years of their lives, have no wisdom or intelligence. And at this point if the married couple doesn’t band together in a show of unity, they will be torn apart.

There’s a catch-22 in every stage of your children’s development. Though they will stress you, though they will attempt to pit the two of you against each other, and even though they will get to the point when they think you are the stupidest people that ever walked the face of the earth, they need you—desperately.

Children learn how to deal with life’s problems by watching you.

Children learn about love, relationships, and marriage by watching you.

Children base their personal safety and security on how strong your marriage is.

It’s a lot of responsibility raising children. But the greatest thing you can do for them at any stage of life is the exhibit a strong marriage in front of them. And, there’s an automatic benefit in giving your children the greatest gift they need—your marriage becomes stronger and more beautiful as it goes on. And, someday, in the far distant future, as your last child leaves home, you are alone once again with that beautiful woman, that beautiful man, you once honeymooned with. That’s one of the best times of marriage—the second honeymoon!

What is Marriage?

2010-08-02T13:43:00.000-07:00

Why do marriages fail? And, why do they fail so early in the relationship? Not only do half of all first marriages end in divorce, most of those will end in the third or fourth year.

The real problem is that most couples don’t understand marriage or what it takes to make a marriage work. They enter “the marriage fog.” And when they are tired of it, they jump out.

Knowledge is the key. If I can get you to understand what marriage is really about and how it’s supposed to work, half of all your problems will disappear. I guarantee it!

The reason that marriage is a fog for most people is because they don’t understand what marriage is or what they will be expected to do to make the marriage work. We all have our fantasies about marriage. The Cinderella syndrome makes us all believe that once we enter that “hallowed state of bliss” that we will all live happily ever after. NOT! That’s what’s wrong with the Cinderella-esque stories in our world. They end at the wedding, but they don’t show us what life is like after the “I Do” confessions. So we create visions of marriage based on the wedding, and the honeymoon, and other wonderful romantic scenes we watch in the movies, with the perfect kiss, with perfect words, and with a full orchestra in the background playing perfect music.

Jane wakes up the morning after the wedding. Vivid memories of a perfect wedding fill her head. The night of romance, intimacy, and passion has left a big smile on her face. She sits up in bed, straightens her negligee, tucks the sheets and blankets around her, and lovingly awaits the breakfast her husband will make for her and serve to her before her feet ever hit the floor. It’s an honest expectation, for she came from a family in which her father did this for her mother. John awakes to his beautiful bride sitting with great anticipation. He too arranges the pillows, sheets and blankets, with excited expectation to receive a homemade breakfast in bed that his new wife will bring. For he was raised in a home in which his mother often did this for his father. Do you see a problem here? Do you see the fog beginning to roll in?

No matter what you call your fantasies or how you describe them, they all have one thing in common—selfishness. We enter marriage with selfish expectations! We, as single people, have developed a lifestyle of self serving. We do what we want to do, what makes us happy, what is pleasurable to us. Our self serving attitude influences our choice of jobs, restaurants at which we eat, hobbies that occupy our free time, and yes, even the girl or boy we look for and find. We look at all these things with the idea of “what do I get out of it?”

Then, we bring those attitudes into our marriages. Selfishness will not make a marriage work. Only when we give up our rights and begin to serve our mates can our marriages thrive.

So, here it is--What is Marriage? MARRIAGE IS A NEW LIFE, THAT I ENTER INTO GLADLY, WITH THE DECISION TO BE A SERVANT TO MY MATE, FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, AND ENJOY THE BLESSINGS AND BENEFITS THAT NATURALLY COME FROM A LIFESTYLE OF SERVANTHOOD.

Making a Faithfulness Plan

2010-07-26T13:08:00.000-07:00

Every healthy marriage ought to have a faithfulness plan. This is a plan, or a document, that defines what a married person will do, proactively, to stay faithful in the marriage every day.

Marriages are falling apart at an epidemic rate. Many are being damaged by an affair that invaded the partnership. In fact, 80% of all couples who enter counseling have an affair in their recent history.

There are two main reasons why a faithfulness plan is necessary. First, if we don’t intentionally plan to stay faithful, we may unintentionally set in motion activities or behaviors that may lead to an affair. Most affairs begin for emotional reasons, not sexual reasons. A husband or wife is not feeling the connection, support, or intimacy that they crave in their own marriage. But a co-worker or friend may offer that connection they are desperately seeking. Once the emotions are satisfied, sexual intimacy may soon follow.

So, what will a couple do, even if they are not connecting emotionally like they should, to stay faithful in their marriage? The faithfulness plan will delineate the healthy steps they will take when they don’t feel as close as they need to feel.

Second, creating a “faithfulness” plan causes the couple to focus on “faithfulness.” It’s human nature. It’s basic psychology. We process what we focus on. For example, if we told couples, “Don’t have an affair,” even though the work “don’t” is at the beginning of the sentence, the focus of the sentence is on the affair. And in order to negate the affair, we have to process the affair. Not good! So, let’s not talk about NOT having an affair. Let’s talk about HAVING a faithfulness plan. See, you’re already processing what it might take to stay faithful.

A faithfulness plan can come in a variety of formats. Here’s what we suggest as part of our marriage workshops. Remember, you need to create a document, one that you can sign, that describes your activities and behaviors that will help you stay faithful to your spouse. Here’s what you can include:

A statement of love! Believe it or not, this document may be one of the most romantic things you can do for your spouse. So, tell him/her how much love is going into this plan. Put in something like: “Honey, with all my heart, I love you for choosing me out of all the other possibilities in the world. You are the most wonderful woman in my life. There has never been another and there will never be another. I love you with all my heart.”

A statement of commitment! You will use this document to show your spouse how serious you are in staying faithful, that you are committed to being faithful. Put in something like: “Today, I commit my heart, my mind, my soul, and all of my strength to you, to stay faithful to you, and to you only, for the rest of my life. I will do whatever it takes to keep myself pure for you, for us, for our marriage, for our family, and for our future.”

Your plans for faithfulness! You will give a list of things you will do, positive and loving things, to show your faithfulness everyday. Make anywhere from 3 to 10 statements to calm and encourage your mate. Use only positive statements like: “I will let you know when I will be late coming home from work and why,” “I will always be honest about who I am with,” and “I will introduce you to all of my friends and not have any friends that you don’t know about.”

Your plans when things go wrong! Even though you plan to be faithful and avoid traps that others have fallen into, you may come across situations at work that may compromise your plan. So, what will you do then? You will give a list of things you will do, when things go bad, to show your faithfulness. Include statements like: “I will walk away from my buddies when they start telling sexual jokes,” “If my ex-girlfriend calls or emails, I will not respond, and I will call you and tell you immediately what happened,” or “If a co-worker of the opposite sex wants me to stay late and work alone with him/her, I will respectfully decline even if it means I will miss out on overtime pay.”

A statement of faith in your marriage! You are making this plan to honor your spouse and the sanctity of marriage. So, tell him/her how important your marriage is and how much you are willing to work to make it last. Put in something like: “Honey, there is nothing more important to me than you. I want our marriage to last so we can grow old together. I promise to be the husband you need and to honor the vows I made with you 32 years ago. I love you.”

What if I'm the Only One Who Cares?

2010-07-20T11:44:00.000-07:00

Let’s face it! There are some that go to our workshops kicking and screaming—right? Your wife may have tricked you into going or bribed you in some way. Your husband may have promised the moon if you would go with him. Or, you may be one of the couples that went as a last resort before divorce papers were signed. Oh sure, you had a lot of fun at the workshop and learned a lot. But the reality is this—when you went home your mate may have been less than happy to practice the successful principles you learned. You may find yourself alone in the desire to make your marriage work. And, too many times the one wanting to work on the marriage gives up, believing it would be hopeless to try to do anything. Well, don’t give up. You can make a difference in your marriage even if you are the only one willing to work at it.

It’s all mathematical. It’s all about the numbers. Let’s say that both the husband and wife are willing to give a 100% effort to make their marriage beautiful and fantastic. Well, mathematically, 100 plus 100 equals 200. So, you have a 200% marriage. (Trust me, this is what happens.)

Let’s say, one morning the wife wakes up and she isn’t so happy to be married so she only gives a 40% effort. Well, if the husband gives his 100% effort in spite of what his wife does, the couple still has a 140% marriage! The same is true if the husband gives only 40% when the wife gives 100%. Numbers don’t lie!

So, what if I’m the only one who is wanting to work on my marriage? How do I give my 100% when my mate doesn't do the same? Here are some things you can do.

Make a healthy decision to work at your marriage. Healthy means that you will approach your marriage with confidence: “I know that if I work hard at my marriage, even if my mate doesn’t do the same, my marriage will improve greatly!”

Approach your marriage without grudges: “I will choose to overlook those things my mate does that, up to now, would irritate me.”

Approach your marriage with proper direction: “I will not become a slave or a toy for my mate. However, my mate will, because of what I choose to do for him/her, be happier than he/she has been in a long time.

Make a long-term commitment to be a servant to your mate, to be the bigger person even if the other doesn’t deserve you. There will be both immediate benefits but more long-term benefits. Immediate benefits include less stress because you stop worrying about what you’re NOT getting, your health improves, and your confidence increases. Long term benefits include the fact that both you and your mate will become more beautiful people.

Practice servanthood not slavery. If you become a slave to your mate, he/she gets to tell you what to do and you have no choice. This is unhealthy and very discouraging and hurtful. If you become a servant to your mate, you get to choose what you do, when to do it, how often to do it, just to make him/her happy!

Go first! or “Just Do It!” Of course he doesn’t deserve your love. No man does. But how lucky is he when he gets your love anyway? What a great woman you are! Of course she doesn’t deserve your care and concern for her. No woman does. But how lucky is she when you take care of her anyway? What a great man you are!

Why do we argue?

2010-07-06T19:33:00.000-07:00

Let’s go to the dictionary. Do you know what the difference is between discussing and arguing? Some say, “Arguing is just discussing loudly.” Well, maybe. Here are the real definitions:

Discussion– an extended communication (often interactive) dealing with some particular topic, an exchange of views on some topic
Argument– an address or composition intended to convince or persuade, an oral disagreement, verbal opposition, contention

In marriage, discussions are good. Good, deep communication draws the hearts of the couple closer together. It develops intimacy. And it steers both partners onto the same path towards the same goals.

But too many times discussions become arguments. And arguments, in most marriages, are destined to fail. Here’s why:

Discussions become arguments when selfishness invades the discussion. Couples begin to believe that the other has stopped listening or otherwise become unreasonable. Pick the word that best describes your mate: Bananas, bats, bonkers, certifiable, crackers, kooky, lunatic, nuts, off the deep end, off the wall, over the edge, psycho, trippy, wacko, wigged out. Since my mate has obviously lost his/her mind, I now have the task of proving my point and disproving his/hers. Thus—argument!

When discussions become arguments, couples revert to their native languages. You know, Martian vs. Venutian. Men will argue the details of the conflict while women argue the feelings surrounding the conflict. The more one tries to convince or persuade the other, the more they are NOT convinced or persuaded. You can talk 5 minutes or 24-hours in different languages and it will yield the same results—NOTHING!

When discussions become arguments, belief systems and value systems are often invalidated. A man might argue that the events happened a certain way, step one, step two, and step three. And he may be exactly right. But husbands often interrupt their wives and say, “No! But that’s not what happened.” Going back to the steps (Martian language= details) basically invalidates all that she is saying (Venutian language=feelings). And when women go back to, “It doesn’t matter what happened, this is how I feel…” it basically invalidates the man’s value system. It’s not bad enough that the married couple does not understand each other. We make it worse by telling the other, “The way you argue is stupid!”

Most arguments do not end properly. Couples believe: “We can’t get through this.” “He’ll never change.” “She’ll never understand.” So, we give up and allow the argument to take its place with the other unresolved conflicts that weigh down our marriage.

Just the other day, this happened to my wife and I. And its kind of embarrassing, you know, me, a good husband, married 32 years, and a marriage counselor, reverting back to arguing in my native language. But it happened, and it happens to every married couple.

We had just gotten home from the airport. It was late and we were both tired. We needed pillow cases from the dryer. I grabbed the pillow cases and rushed off to the room so we could go to bed. I passed my wife in the hall and she stood and watched me go to the bedroom. I put the pillow cases on and started getting ready for bed.

My wife came in and said, “Why did you ignore me? Do I not matter that much to you?” I was oblivious to what had happened. She continued, “You knew I was looking for those pillow cases and you just walked right by me. It’s like you didn’t care about me.”

Well, obviously my wife had gone bonkers, fell off the deep end…. So, I began to offer her a clear description of the facts of the case. “I was getting the pillows cases so we could go to bed. I did not ignore you because I did not know you were looking for the pillow cases.” Case closed? Nope. She said, “But you walked right past me like I didn’t matter.” We then spent a few minutes arguing, me in my language of detail, she in her language of feelings.

Then I came to my senses. We were in a spiraling, out of control argument with different languages. Yes, it happens to the best of us. We stopped, apologized, resolved it, and went to bed.

So, next time you turn discussions into arguments, here are some things you can do:

Stop arguing. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t help. It won’t end well.

Apologize. Humility is a good remedy for the selfishness that invaded your relationship.

Discuss the problem. As equals, talk about what went on WITH THE IDEA that your mate is more important than you.

Kiss and make up. I prescribe lots of kissing for married couples.

Why Some Long-Term Marriages "Burnout"

2010-06-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

The fastest growing “divorce” group in America are those marriages of 20 years or more. For some, it seems like a simple explanation—the kids are gone, moved out, the empty-nest syndrome. That seems right. But, why? Why do marriages that seem to be doing well, suddenly break apart when the kids leave?

Take the marriage of John and Jane (not their real names). It seemed to be going well. Three children grew up in their loving home, got married, started a family of their own, and brought grandchildren into the picture. John and Jane kept going strong, we thought, until their 35th wedding anniversary. Then, all of a sudden, they quit. The rest of the story is found in the article “Rekindle marriage after a burnout” (by Abigail Trafford, The Columbian, 2/6/2008).

“We didn’t have an outwardly fighting marriage,” the woman says, “But it was quiet and empty.”

“Quiet and empty” is the symptom of marital burnout. It’s not so much conflict that kills a long-term relationship, but the absence of affection and involvement.

Why would a marriage be void of affection? How can that happen?

Marriage is a living organism. It’s a living relationship. And, just like any living thing, it must be nourished and cherished.

Cinderella did us a disservice. Any fairy tale that ends with “...and they all lived happily ever after” does a disservice to mankind. Those “tales” show only the glorious beginning of a loving relationship, but not the work it takes to keep it going. Many people have the Cinderella syndrome as they approach marriage. They believe marriage will be glorious because the wedding is glorious. But many of us fail to realize that marriage takes work.

Marriage is a relationship that begins with love, made stronger by commitment, made even stronger because of a connection between the hearts of the husband and wife. It’s a great arrangement. This is why married people are healthier, live longer, and make more money than single people.

But when other things are placed above the marriage, the relationship begins to suffer. They may be small changes at first. But over 20 or 30 years, the neglect can be consuming.

The effort it takes to keep marriages vibrant and strong is well worth the energy. Here are some suggestions on how to keep your long-term marriage from experiencing burnout.

Keep your marriage partner first on your list! This means he/she comes before kids, friends, work, and extended family. As for your kids, the greatest gift you can give them is to love your mate. In this way the kids experience the safety of a strong, happy home. As for your friends, don’t stop being a friend. But put just as much energy, and more, in doing special thing with your spouse. As for your work, it’s a necessary evil. You will be gone from each other most of the day. But find ways to keep your spouse feeling special—cards, phone calls, lunches together, notes hidden in purses or wallets. And, as for your extended family, they mean well most of the time, but they cannot come between you and your mate.

Keep the romance alive! The stuff you did to impress him/her when you first met will still work. Go on a weekly date. Send flowers (or bring one home). Write a poem, even if it stinks (she’ll love it). Dance to slow music, in front of the kids.

Write love notes! Everyday put a note, no matter how small, somewhere your partner will see it. It can be a sticky note with a smiley face and “I love you” written in pencil. It can be a store-bought card. Out do one another with sickening-sweet love notes.

Open up a “Love Bank” Account. The love bank is a mental accounting of how much “love” stuff you are doing for your spouse. Every time you do something special for him/her, a deposit goes into your account. As you build it up, you can see your marriage getting stronger. And, when that time comes that you blow it, mess up, or otherwise tick off your spouse, it won’t be so bad since you have built up the love in your marriage.

It takes no work at all to make a marriage burn out. But with a little work, your marriage will survive every stage of life. You CAN have a romantic marriage once again.

Married Love Continues--Even after one partner dies

2010-06-07T15:12:00.000-07:00

There is this couple I know, Heston and Ruth Havens, that keeps falling deeper in love every year that they are married. On June 2nd of this year, they celebrated 72 years of marriage. They represent the epitome of love. If ever a couple illustrated the beauty of the one-ness process, it would be them.

When I was a minister in Portland, we would have a yearly family retreat. During that retreat, we would have a talent show. Those who thought they could sing would get up and sing. Those who thought they could play a guitar would get up and play a guitar. It was an all volunteer talent show. And, every year, Heston and Ruth would get up and recite a poem to each other. It was so beautiful. It was so sweet.

Heston told me that they started reciting this poem to each other, in public, over 50 years ago. The poem was entitled “Should You Go First.” It was written by a master orator named A.K. Rowswell, the “Voice of the Pittsburg Pirates.” Rowswell, who died in 1955, published two books of poetry. This poem was his most famous.

You will be impressed by this poem. It speaks of a couple in which one or both are nearing death. But, as we know, death does not stop love. It merely forces us to change the way we love. No longer can we love face-to-face. Now we must love, or keep love alive, in memories. Here’s what happens to love after one dies:

Death has a way of filtering out the bad. When we speak of those who have died, we speak lovingly of the positive, the beautiful, and the strength.

A person can affect more people in death than they could in life. Children, grandchildren, friends, family, and strangers are encouraged by the good that the loved one did.

Love, then, becomes stronger, deeper, and more meaningful.

So I took my camera to Heston and Ruth’s home in December of 2007. I asked if they could recite the poem for me so that I could share it in our workshops. I hadn’t seen them in a couple of years. Ruth had taken a fall that effected her memory. Neither could recite by memory any longer. With copies of the poem in their hands, gave it their all.

I turned on the camera and asked them what their secret was to a long and happy marriage. Heston said, “...self-less-ness is the key.” He also said, “50/50 doesn’t work, at least not right. It takes a 100% effort from both to have a good marriage…and that we’ve enjoyed.”

Then, with a little prompting, Ruth began. Her voice was steady and sure. She read the first eight lines of the poem. Heston would follow with another eight lines.

The poem is actually showing a couple preparing to continue their love for each other even after one has died. What a magnificent exclamation point on love!

In our workshops, we call this the seventh stage of marriage. During the first six stages, couples learn how to get along, grow closer, and become one. When one dies, love does not stop. It keeps getting stronger and stronger.

I was impressed by this frail couple. Their love for each other hasn’t skipped a beat. At the end of the poem, when Heston spoke “...for someday down that lonely road you’ll hear me call your name”, his voice broke with emotion.

I want what they have. My wife and I have been married 33 years now. We are happier and more in love now than ever before. But I realize that we haven’t yet seen the depth of beautiful love this couple has seen. I am looking forward to growing old with my wife. I want to have what Heston and Ruth have.

Marriage can be wonderful, beautiful, and healthy. But most marriages in America aren’t so beautiful. Put more into your marriage, as Heston advised, and you’ll enjoy marriage like it’s supposed to be.

Is the Mid-Life Crisis Real?

2010-06-02T10:26:00.000-07:00

I facilitate weekend workshops on marriage and related topics. In addition to the regular topics we always cover, on the Saturday morning I present a special two-hour workshop that we called “Surviving Your Husband’s Mid-Life Panic.” Here are some of the questions we discuss:

Is it real? We heard from those who don’t believe it’s real (Dr. Laura, et al.) and from those who believe it’s real (The Mayo Clinic, et al.). The tie-breaker was my own experience, a 51-year old man who lived through it, didn’t like it, but survived.

Is it physiological? Yes. There are some hormonal changes in men, but so gradual that it is hardly noticed until the mid 40s. This change, that the Mayo Clinic calls andropause, is not nearly as drastic as menopause in women.

Do men become more like women? Well, yes, sort of. As women age their hearts become stronger. But as men age their hearts become more tender. This is good. Men become more concerned about their wives, but they are also more easily offended by their wives. They become more emotional, crying at TV shows and movies. The worst is “Extreme Makeover—Home Edition.”

If becoming more tender is a good thing, why do men panic? In the mid 40s men experience a double whammy: they start to notice themselves becoming tender and their wives becoming stronger. They panic because they don’t understand this natural change in the way they view life. And, it is different from the all-about-me/let’s-have-sex-all-the-time attitude they enjoyed as younger men.

Why do some men do stupid things during this panic time? Because they want to reclaim the all-about-me/let’s-have-sex-all-the-time attitude they enjoyed as younger men. That’s what they understand, that’s what they are comfortable with. So, some men consider cheating on their spouse to prove their prowess. Some men purchase things for the same reason.

Do husband lose interest in sex during this time? No. Men are still as eager for sex in middle-age as they were as younger men. And, unless physically unable, many men enjoy sex into their 60s, 70s, and 80s. The interest is still there. But men’s tender hearts cannot take rejections as well as they did in earlier years. So, they approach wives less often for sex.

The mid-life panic is actually part of a grief process. Grief is a collection of emotions that invade us when we lose someone or something of value. Though men are actually becoming better, they are wrestling with the part of life, the part they understand well, that has faded out. If this is true, husbands need to have time to work through the varying emotions during this time of life.

If a man eventually comes to accept and appreciate this new life after the “panic” he actually becomes a beautiful man. He loves more, cares more, is happier, calmer, and healthier. If a man rebels against this change and never comes to accept it, he becomes a crotchety old man. ’Nuff said!

Wives, you can survive your husband’s mid-life panic. Here are some suggestions:

Be nice to your husband. He is changing but doesn’t want to. He notices his changes but doesn’t like them. And, he is more sensitive about how you interact with him. Be nice.

Be creative and gentle in your rejections. Be aware that he does not approach you as often for sex because he has become increasingly fearful of rejection.

Don’t force him to talk about his emotions. You know that talking is therapeutic. But he doesn’t. Gently ask, every-once-in-a-while, if he would like to talk about things. If he says “no” don’t push it.

Be aggressive in the bedroom. He is just as eager as ever for sex, but he’s a bit fearful to initiate. When you are in the mood, be the initiator. He can take it from there.

Be patient with your husband. Part of this panic is the loss of a familiar lifestyle or outlook on life. He needs time to come to acceptance.

There are Two Sides of Trust in Marriage

2010-05-24T13:26:00.000-07:00

I often hear people say, “I just don’t trust him,” or “I don't know how I’ll ever be able to trust her again.” Most married couples will have to admit to a time when trust was broken. It happened because something hurtful was said or something hurtful was done. This can be from something small like a comment on weight or appearance, or something big like the confession of an affair. When trust is broken, it is hard to get it back. IF YOU WANT TO MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE WORK, you need to know that there are two sides to trust.

First, trust is a feeling. You look at your partner and you either feel trust or feel distrust. And, there is nothing you can do about this. Something happened to you that you didn’t invite into your life. How you feel is a reaction to this trauma.

If you are the one who damaged your relationship, you cannot say some magic words and get your partner to trust you again. You cannot change someone else’s feelings. Distrust can manifest itself in many ways:

Being leery about the other’s intentions
Being very cautious to open up
Not believing ANYTHING he/she says
Apathy, not wanting to work on the marriage
Being protective of your emotions
Not happy
No longer wanting to do anything for him/her

You need to understand that it is OK to feel this way. These are normal emotions that result from negative influences.

Second, trust is a behavior. Even though you don’t feel trust for your partner, your marriage can be helped by trusting behavior. Here’s what you can do:

Be a servant anyway. Your mate may not deserve good treatment from you, but do it anyway. Why? Because (1) it stops you from ignoring and punishing your mate. Because (2) it gives your mate the opportunity to apologize and change. And because (3) you are mentally and physically healthier when you DO things for others.

Believe his/her words. This does not contradict what was said earlier about feeling leery about intentions or words. The feelings will remain. But you can offer the benefit-of-the-doubt. Say, “I love you and I will believe you as long as you give me no reason to doubt.” This will give your mate the opportunity to build up trust or show that he/she can be trusted.

Gently confront suspicions. Do not ignore suspicions. You have a right to discuss your uneasiness. Here’s a sample confrontation:

You: “Honey, I love you, but I need to know why you were late coming home tonight.”
Mate: “Why don’t you trust me? I can never do anything that you won’t be suspicious of!”

(Even if your mate reacts in this way, gently confront the situation.)

You: “Wait a minute. I love you and our marriage too much to ignore these ill feelings I have. I’m asking you to love me enough to ease the pain in my heart.”

Gentle confrontation must take place. Otherwise, the bad feelings you have toward your mate will be suppressed with the other feelings that have never been talked out.

The more you exhibit trusting behavior towards you mate, the better you will feel. The more opportunities you give your mate to “come clean” or have the benefit-of-the-doubt, the more trustworthy he/she will become.

There are two sides of trust. It is OK to feel what you feel. But you must act properly so that the conflict, and the feelings, can be resolved.

Complaining: Feel Better or Worse?

2010-05-20T09:39:00.000-07:00

How do you feel after complaining about something gone wrong or someone who has done wrong? Getting it off your chest is necessary for good mental health. But if the complaining does not lead to resolution, you may actually feel worse.
It is natural and healthy to voice your frustrations as a way of dealing with them. But many times this activity can degenerate into a gripe session. When this happens, negative words and energies are abundant. But if this discussion does not lead to resolution, the participants will take the negativity with them through the rest of the day.

A recent study found that teenage girls who vented to each other about their problems, from boy trouble to social slights, were more likely to develop depression and anxiety—and the same is true for adult women, says Amanda Rose, the author of the study.
“There is definite belief in our culture that talking about our problems makes you feel better,” says Rose, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Missouri, Columbia, whose research was published in the July issue of Developmental Psychology. “That’s true in moderation. ...It only becomes risky when it becomes excessive.”*

The same kind of harmful behavior is found often in married people. We complain about our mates to others who might give us a sympathetic ear. And, it’s good, at times, to connect with those who are willing to listen and offer support. But if there is no resolution to go with the venting, you might feel even worse than if you had no one to talk to.
Well, we don’t want you to feel worse. And we don’t want you to hold it all in. The healthy thing to do is to talk with your mate about what your feeling. But talk with the idea of resolving the problem.
Conflict happens. Hurt feelings happen. But healthy couples find a way to talk with each other, work through the emotions, and arrive at a solution to the problem that both will make both parties happy.

*From “Quit Complaining—it may make you feel worse” by Melissa Dahl, Health Writer, MSNBC.com 8/13/2007

Why Spend Money on the Wedding?

2010-05-10T10:11:00.000-07:00

Did you know that the average cost for a wedding in the US is $19,581? Go to the website costofwedding.com and put in your zip code to find out the average cost of a wedding in your area. We put our zip code here at the Northwest Marriage Institute (98682) and found that the average cost for weddings in our area is $13,545 and $22, 575. That’s a lot of money.
For those of us who are parents of the brides, we who bear the burden of such a great expense, often joke (maybe not so joking) about giving the couple money to go elope. In fact, if you give them $10,000 and a map to the Justice of the Peace, you’ll come out ahead. Right?
Well, thanks to researchers, there is one more good reason to spend money on a wedding ceremony. In fact, it’s a very good reason. The wedding provides the couple with a support group for help in future crises.
Every couple will go through conflict. It is a natural part of any human relationship. And, you know the awful statistic—50% of all first marriages end in divorce. But the other 50% may need to have some kind of motivation to work through their issues. Researchers found out that, among other things, the wedding ceremony, or at least those who attend, provides for the couple an automatic support group. The support group helps the couple in several ways:

The couple remembers the promises made to each other with the family and friends listening.

The “I don’t want to let my friends and family down” factor is a great motivator.

Those that attended the wedding may feel they have a stake in the young couple’s marriage.

They are more willing to notice when things go wrong and offer support or help during those times.

The pictures, recordings, and other souvenirs from the wedding can help motivate the couple to work hard at making things right.

Now parents, don’t go broke paying for a wedding. But do consider the costs of a beautiful ceremony as an investment in the longevity of your children’s marriage. In this day and age, kids need all the help they can get to make a marriage work.

Can you trigger intimacy in marriage?

2010-05-03T18:27:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess we can’t deny it—married men want more sex in marriage. So we research the sciences, we read the books, and we consult the experts. What would it take to “trigger” my wife’s pleasure center? Is it something I can say? Is there something I can buy for her? Does chocolate work?
We are obsessed with finding some “secret” that we can use to “short-circuit” intimacy and get to the sex. But therein lies the real problem. Too many people are trying to short-circuit intimacy. But that will just “blow a fuse” and “the darn thing just won’t work anymore.” Short-circuiting is not the answer.
Women understand the proper placement of sex in marriage better than men do. They, for the most part, will enjoy sex when they can experience intimacy that will produce an emotional connection with the husband. This is the way sex designed—as a celebration of a healthy intimate relationship.
But we keep ignoring what is right and proper and keep trying to find the triggers. There was an article entitled Anatomy of Desire* that described how researchers were trying to find ways to trigger sexual desires without having to go through the normal processes. They admitted that the normal process looked something like this: sexual encounter begins with desire, prodding a person to seek a partner, leading to arousal, followed by excitement, then….
The researchers wanted to focus more on arousal than desire. Of course, this worked for the men. But for the women it did not work.

...93 percent to 96 percent of the 655 respondents strongly endorsed statements that linked sexual arousal to “feeling connected to” or “loved by” a partner, and to the belief that the partner is “really interested in me as a person”;

So, what did they find? That connection was what women needed in order to enjoy the intimate relationship.
Don’t try to trigger intimacy in marriage. Instead, work on making your marriage strong and healthy. Then the intimacy, the atmosphere of love that surrounds the husband and wife, will be strong and healthy. THEN, sex can happen naturally as a celebration of the intimate relationship. The researchers have spoken!

What is Marriage?

2010-04-26T09:54:00.000-07:00

Why do marriages fail? And, why do they fail so early in the relationship? Not only do half of all first marriages end in divorce, most of those will end in the third or fourth year.
The real problem is that most couples don’t understand marriage or what it takes to make a marriage work. They enter “the marriage fog.” And when they are tired of it, they jump out.
Knowledge is the key. If I can get you to understand what marriage is really about and how it’s supposed to work, half of all your problems will disappear. I guarantee it!
The reason that marriage is a fog for most people is because they don’t understand what marriage is or what they will be expected to do to make the marriage work. We all have our fantasies about marriage. The Cinderella syndrome makes us all believe that once we enter that “hallowed state of bliss” that we will all live happily ever after. NOT! That’s what’s wrong with the Cinderella-esque stories in our world. They end at the wedding, but they don’t show us what life is like after the “I Do” confessions. So we create visions of marriage based on the wedding, and the honeymoon, and other wonderful romantic scenes we watch in the movies, with the perfect kiss, with perfect words, and with a full orchestra in the background playing perfect music.
Jane wakes up the morning after the wedding. Vivid memories of a perfect wedding fill her head. The night of romance, intimacy, and passion has left a big smile on her face. She sits up in bed, straightens her negligee, tucks the sheets and blankets around her, and lovingly awaits the breakfast her husband will make for her and serve to her before her feet ever hit the floor. It’s an honest expectation, for she came from a family in which her father did this for her mother. John awakes to his beautiful bride sitting with great anticipation. He too arranges the pillows, sheets and blankets, with excited expectation to receive a homemade breakfast in bed that his new wife will bring. For he was raised in a home in which his mother often did this for his father. Do you see a problem here? Do you see the fog beginning to roll in?
No matter what you call your fantasies or how you describe them, they all have one thing in common—selfishness. We enter marriage with selfish expectations! We, as single people, have developed a lifestyle of self serving. We do what we want to do, what makes us happy, what is pleasurable to us. Our self serving attitude influences our choice of jobs, restaurants at which we eat, hobbies that occupy our free time, and yes, even the girl or boy we look for and find. We look at all these things with the idea of “what do I get out of it?”
Selfishness will not make a marriage work. Only when we serve can our marriages thrive.

Have You "Planned" to Remain Faithful?

2009-08-15T08:21:00.000-07:00

Divorce--It's not a religious thing!

2009-08-05T14:09:00.000-07:00

Did you see it again? It was in our newspaper this morning (Oregonian "Stress of divorce linked to health issues" by Tara Parker-Pope, August 5, 2009). It was another article about how marriage and health go hand in hand. The newly released study from University of Chicago researcher, Linda Waite, concluded that the physical stress of divorce continues long after the emotional wounds have healed. Dr. Waite's study (from 8,652 men and women in their 50s and early 60s) indicated that those who experienced divorce or death of a spouse reported a 20% more chronic health problems like heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. The most interesting thing about this study was the connection between remarriage and physical health. "While remarrying led to some improvement in health, the study showed that most married people who became single never fully recovered from the physical declines associated with marital loss. Compared with those who had been continuously married, people in second marriages had 12 percent more chronic health problems and 19 percent more mobility problems."

We who love marriage, and we who love the fact that God created marriage, do not oppose divorce because it's a religious thing. The Bible is clear that every command or demand from God has a health benefit associated with it. (If you don't know about this great phenomenon, ask me.) Though the Bible shows that God "hates divorce" (Malachi 2:16), we know it's for our benefit, for our health, for our peace of mind. So, we want to help couples avoid divorce because it hurts too much. It damages health, children, and future.

Every marriage can be saved and every marriage problem can be resolved. It's the #1 best thing you can do for your life, health, and happiness.

You gotta love marriage!

Thirty Three years of marriage

2009-07-26T23:24:00.000-07:00

My wife and I celebrated 33 years of marriage this past July 3rd. That's the same number on those old vinyl records, they call them 33s or 33 and a third, or LPs for Long Playing records. I guess that's what we have now, a long playing marriage. Wow, 33 years. It's not nearly as long as my parents, Bob & Beverly Whiddon (55 years) or my in-laws, John and Millie Haney (54 years). But it is definitely longer than my son, Bobby & Laura Whiddon (6 years) and my daughter, Jason & Krista Carpenter (one month-newlyweds!).

I am more suprised everytime someone is surprised at how long we've been married. Here's what I mean. Most people today have no idea that there are people out there, like me, that are still with the same person I originally married. And, that I have no intention of letting her go until we get 54 or 55 or hopefully many more years together.

People who don't make it past their 4th or 5th anniversary (or some other low number) will never know how wonderful marriage is when you work thru the problems and come out better for it. They will never know how much love (and sex) improves over time. They will never know the joy of having some young couple at church tell us "You're such a cute couple" because they always see us together, close together, sometimes holding hands.

Any marriage problem can be resolved. And, any marriage in trouble can be saved. If you need help, ask me. I am not the perfect husband and my wife (sorry, Honey) is not a perfect wife. But when we take the time to work through the things that come between us, we are closer afterwards.

If you are thinking about giving up on your marriage, call me first. And ask me the question that most people ask me before they agree to come in for counseling, "Well, how long have you been married?" Thirty three years does not make me the world's foremost expert on marriage. But I know what it takes to make a marriage work.

Any Christians out there? We need to start praying for marriages. Even Christian marriages are falling apart in record numbers.

There are too many people living unhappily in unhappy marriages. They don't have to be unhappy. Help us spread the message that a healthy marriage means a long, happy and healthy life. You Gotta Love Marriage!